I am currently experiencing equal bouts of giddy joy and complete befuddlement with the news of Australian pastor Michael Guglielmucci’s admission that he completely made up his two year battle with deadly cancer to cover up his love of pornography. I am always overjoyed when hypocritical religious folk reach beyond their grasp to become what amounts to cult leaders over thousands of people and then go plummeting back to earth when it becomes revealed that they do all the same stuff the rest of us do. Ted Haggard is a personal favorite of mine (I bought the drugs, but I didn’t use them. Well, yes, I did buy them from a gay prostitute whom I’d been seeing for months, but no we didn’t have sex, really!) but there are plenty of other examples of holier-than-thou types self destructing in a spectacular fashion in the public arena.
What’s so odd about Guglielmucci is the fashion in which he self destructed. I’m not sure why he felt the need to make up a terminal illness, going so far as to wear an oxygen tube and fashioning fake correspondences with doctors, to hide the fact that he liked to masturbate while watching people having sex. It’s not like this is some huge secret that no one knows about. Whether religious people want to admit it or not, everyone gets sexually aroused, and everyone takes care of those urges in one manner or another. It’s human nature. We are sexual creatures, we like to see each other naked, and we most definitely all masturbate. That lady from your church who goes “Ugh, gross, of course I would never do anything like that!” well guess what – she masturbates too.
This guy really could of saved himself, his family, and his congregation a lot of heart ache if he’d just told people he was going in the other room to whack it to some porn instead of fabricating an elaborate lie that is potentially going to have legal ramifications for him. Oh I didn’t mention that? He had a fund set up to help defray the costs of his “medical expenses” caused by his cancer. Tammy Faye eat your heart out!
Of more immediate hilarity is the song “Healer” that Guglielmucci wrote, which has absurdly sexual undertones if you look at it in light of recent events. A video of him singing the song can be viewed below. I dare you to listen to this without bursting out in laughter. “Hold my every moment” (tee hee), “Calm my raging seas” (GUFFAW!). Go ahead and throw in your own commentary or extra lines, such as when he sings that nothing is impossible for Jesus (except to reveal to his family that he doesn’t have cancer and was jerking off all the time), or make up a little diddy to the tune of the song about how he just wants some of that awesome Heaven brand lube that Jesus keeps to himself up in the clouds and won’t share with poor old Michael.
Life is so damn good.
Anyone interested is viewing the original news stories can find them here and here.
