The Craziest Day

Today was just a deluge of crazy, and the weird part was the rapid succession of out-there events. We started off with our standard morning ritual of heading to Hastings for coffee. As we’re walking over to the roleplaying section to check for new releases, we notice two elderly men are having a discussion in the chairs by the book shelves. As soon as we hear what they are discussing, we immediately hide behind the nearest shelf to eavesdrop without detection.

These two men, who are easily in their late 60’s or 70’s, are discussing, in great detail, their sexual prowess. One man says to the other that his latest conquest described him as the “best she’s ever had” and then confides that nearly all the women he’s been with have made the same remark. He then proceeds to explain that it’s not how he manipulates the sex organs, it’s the mind games he plays to increase their eroticism. Remaining silent was getting increasingly difficult. After a few more wonderful pearls of sex wisdom, we decided to leave before we couldn’t hold back the laughter any longer.

Thinking that would be the most interesting part of our day, we got in the car to head towards Albertson’s to check their seafood prices for an upcoming food blog. A few blocks away we come to stop at a red light next to a hotel. A woman in a red truck in the hotel’s parking lot suddenly starts going in reverse at a very high speed, and I think to myself “What is she doing? She’s going to run straight into that wall…”

*SMASH*

The woman then speeds forward and looks like she’s about to ram into the other end of the hotel, when the employees all come running out screaming. It’s then we notice there’s a second occupant in the truck – and the two are actively involved in physical combat with one another. They take a break from beating each other to lean out the window and start yelling at the hotel employees, as though they had done something wrong. The woman eventually realizes the hotel folks are taking down her license plate number and calling the cops, so she starts flipping out – but can’t leave because we are all stopped at this light and blocking her way out.

The green light comes around, and we’re gone. Wow, we think, nothing crazier than this could happen today. Yeah, we were wrong.

After Albertsons we head to Smiths to compare prices. On the way out we see Megan’s grandfather heading in. It should be noted I don’t care for this man, as he’s hated me from day one and never pretended otherwise. He’s also Mormon, and believes in crazy things like magic underwear that protect the wearer from fire and bullets. We had some polite conversation about shopping and Megan leans in to hug him and says “Well, see you later Grandpa!” But no, we aren’t getting out that easy.

He decides he needs to ask us about a “doctor” he recommended for Jacob (for anyone not aware, Megan’s younger brother has Fibromyalgia and Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome and so far we haven’t found a treatment that’s given a significant improvement). Megan spent some time talking to this person Grandpa recommended and a significant amount of time researching the claims behind his “treatments.” This “doctor” uses a machine very like the E-Meter from Scientology and a large portion of his regiment involves praying for the patient. Obviously this is nonsense and a waste of our time, as we’re actually interested in seeing Jacob get better.

Megan politely tried to explain that what this person was offering wasn’t a real treatment, but Grandpa couldn’t let it go. He decided he needed to convince us that these homeopathic and faith based “healing” procedures are in fact real. He brought up a homeopathic practitioner that several of the family members had seen in the past. It should be noted that this person once told Megan’s father to inject coffee into his anus to cure worms – which sent him into shock when he used instant coffee crystals and the caffeine went instantly into his blood stream through the walls of his bowels.

Grandpa informed us this woman had a “gift” that allowed her to automatically tell what was wrong with a person just by touching them. I responded that psychic powers aren’t real, and that what he was describing was quite silly. He didn’t appreciate the term “psychic,” and again proclaimed that it was a “gift.” When we asked where this “gift” came from, and how it differed from being psychic, he ignored us and moved on.

As Grandpa was regaling us with tales of this woman’s healing prowess, he off-handedly remarked that she had cured cancer without any sort of modern medicine. Megan and I both immediately stopped him and went “Woah there, rewind, you can’t just make a claim like that without evidence to back it up. If this woman can cure CANCER without modern medicine, why isn’t this information being spread across the world and shouted from the roof tops?”

He immediately got very miffed and let us know that the evidence was the woman supposedly cured of her cancer. Megan tried to explain that his personal anecdote of someone being miraculously healed isn’t evidence, as we had no way of verifying his claim. She explained that before we would swallow this extraordinary claim, a medical doctor would need to confirm the woman had cancer and had never had any sort of chemotherapy or normal cancer treatment. This doctor would then need to confirm the cancer was cured after using the homeopathic remedy, and then a follow up would need to occur months later to ensure it was still gone.

When asked for this evidence, Grandpa became very agitated and began yelling that we are closed minded. I asked him “Ok then, so would you believe me without needing evidence if I told you I can fling magic fireballs and have the ability to fly?” He immediately shouted “Of course not, because that’s obviously a lie!” When I stated “Exactly!” he decided he’d had enough and began walking away while yelling back at us that he doesn’t need evidence, as belief is all that’s required for him.

Knowing that the religious people in the world feel this way is one thing, but literally hearing a grown man shout the words “I believe and that’s enough, I don’t need evidence” was honestly rather horrifying. He is willing to use logic and reason to determine my claims of fireball flinging were clearly nonsense, but he’s completely unwilling to use those same faculties and critically examine his own supernatural Mormon beliefs or the claims of charlatans pretending to be healers.

So we’re chuckling as he storms off and we head to the car, marveling at how this day can’t possibly get any weirder. Wrong again.

I turn on the car, and we are immediately hit with a massively unhealthy sound that makes me worry my car is about to explode. Just a month ago we had the car in the shop during our fourth anniversary, which led to some very unexpected and fun activities we hadn’t planned out.

I turn off the car, not wanting to cause permanent damage. To round out the weirdness of the day – the car keeps running. Nope, not kidding, I’m holding the key in my hand, staring at it dumbfounded, as my car is still running and making a terrible noise. Well, if it’s going to run no matter what I do, I figure we might as well take it to the repair shop instead of paying for a tow. I turn the ignition over again just for good measure and we head off.

Long story short, the starter that was replaced last month had some issue that needed to be fixed, which prevented the car from completely turning off. Since it was still under warranty – free repair! We were without the car for a few hours, but that’s no biggy. As our anniversary taught us, unexpected walking adventures are kind of the best. What a crazy fucking day. But in the end, it was kind of awesome and now I have a great story to tell.

So in conclusion, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Zeus for fixing my vehicle, as he was so clearly involved somehow and deserves the praise more than the mechanics themselves. All praise to Zeus!